Can We Just Be Friends? A Qualitative Study on Friend zone Phenomenon

by: Riza Cuartero,

Gail Guiang ,

Lanz Olives,

Klein Sze

 

INTRODUCTION

Friend zone is an emerging term that describes the phenomenon between people who are in the state of uncertainty regarding their stand in the relationship (Adjei, 2012). Given that relationships are an inevitable part of human nature and people often tend to misinterpret “friendly behavior” in heterosexual friendships, this often becomes a challenge to both the one who wants to take the relationship to the next level and the one who doesn’t in terms of keeping the friendship (Bleske & Buss, 2000). In this paper, the researchers will aim to develop an academic description of the friend zone phenomenon and will attempt to explain the process people go through when they decide to put someone in the friend zone.

METHOD

This study used a purposive sampling where participants were selected based on their characteristics, provided that they had put someone in the friend zone. The researchers gathered 11 participants (10 female, 1 male). Five of them were interviewed and the other half were sent to a Focused Group Discussion (FGD). Phenomenology (i.e. descriptions of the experiences) and Grounded Theory (i.e. explanation of the nature and process of friend zone based from the participants) were used to analyze data while triangulation (i.e. cross verification of statements from two or more participants), disconfirming evidence (i.e. conflicting themes were all acknowledged to prove the absence of absence of bias), and member checking (i.e. participants were asked about the content of transcripts to ensure credibility of the data) were used to ensure validity.

RESULT

What is the friend zone phenomenon?

These are the themes that emerged from the first research question, which aimed to discover what the “friend zone phenomenon” is for the participants of the research.

Theme	Definition/description	Sample quote
Advanced refusal of a romantic pursuit	Stopping the person from further pursuit of achieving the next level of the current relationship.	"Friend zone, parang iadvance, sasabihin mo na siya na bawal na ganyan, ganyan kasi friends lang talaga"
Misperception of an individual’s romantic interest	Wrongly perceiving target's interests in the person who is friend zoned	"kunwari nagshoshow ng affection yung isa pero sa isa parang normal lang. ok, yung pag treat ko sayo pareho lang sa ibang guy friends"
False expectations regarding the potential of the relationship to grow	Believing that something good can possibly happen even without concrete reasons of its existence	"Siguro pag masyado nag expect yung isa pero wala naman talaga"
Borderline between platonic relationship and romantic relationship	A situation where the possibility of taking the relationship to the next level is ambiguous to no chance at all	"Ang friend zone, parang ito yung mundo na kinakatakutan ng mga lalake"
Polite refusal	Declining the offer of courtship in a pleasant manner	"I think isa sa mga factors ng friend zone, kunwari ayaw mo sa guy pero nice guy. Parang it’s a nice way of putting (rejecting) him in…"

 

According to the reports of the participants, the “friend zone phenomenon” is a form of refusal people use when they seem to lack the desire of taking the friendship to the next level. It is a stage where one attempts to stop the romantic pursuit of their friend while maintaining the relationship as it is.

What are the reasons behind the friend zone phenomenon?

These are the themes the researchers were able to discover when they were addressing why individuals usually put people in the “friend zone”.

Theme	Definition/description	Sample quote
Friends’ and family's perceptions regarding the pursuer	Putting into consideration the opinion of one's friends and family	"Kasi siguro influence ng friends kaya ako natuturn off"
Parents' expectations	They want to achieve the standards of the parents	"Oo, parents, parents na ano kailangan may stable job ka muna bago magrelationship"
Presumption of relationship outcome/progress	Sudden achievement of a sense of how one wants the relationship to be.	"mararamdaman mo yun eh, may mga tao na ano eh, yung you two are better of as friends rather than something intimate"
Academic Priorities	The focus is on the sustenance and/or improvement of grades and overall academic performance	"Eh kasi nga dapat graduate na tayo"
Career Priorities	The focus is not to miss any chances into being employed first	Oo, parents, parents. Na ano kailangan may stable job ka muna bago mag relationship
Past Romantic Experiences	Being familiar with romantic relationships and learning from one's knowledge.	"Mas gusto kong friends lang parang kasi pag naging kayo or ano, masisira lang yung friendship niyo pag nag-away kayo. Yun yung realization ko ng pagkakaroon ng boyfriend, mas okay ng maging friends"
Race / Ethnicity	Preference of a specific culture/lineage	"Uhm, studies tapos tradition ng family, kunyari yung Pilipino, wala sandali lang, ayoko na sa kanya"
Inconsistent expression of affection	The amount of care and attention is not received on a regular basis	"Basta nandon yung nagpaparamdam, eh kasi baka mamaya wala lang, kikilos lang siya pag naggraduate na kami ganon, parang inaantay nalang yung oras, kasi mas malaki yung possibility na mawala yung feelings kapag huminto siya"
Age Preference	Having an ideal age when choosing a partner	"Nakakaturn off din yun pag masyado matanda. Sad kasi pag matanda"
Physical attractiveness	Importance of appearance when choosing a partner	Kasi yun naman yung basis talaga eh, pangalawa na lang yung ugali. Pangalawa na lang yung ugali. Parang for me yung factor talaga yung mukha eh.
Over familiarity	Being too accustomed to the person to the point that it is already unimaginable for your relationship to turn romantic	"you’re too comfortable with him as in parang hindi mo na siya iniisip na ganun"

The researchers were able to discover that there were a number of factors which people put into consideration when they decide to put someone in the “friend zone”. This usually includes attractiveness, traditions, and influences of other people. However, despite these factors which are more external in nature, there are also people who rely on personal experiences, priorities and self-reflection on the relationship.

What are the lived experiences?

The researchers were able to discover common experiences people usually go through before, during and after individuals put someone in the “friend zone”.

Theme	Definition/description	Sample quote
Intimate confrontation	The use of reason which can compensate the situation with the use of compliments and prep talk	"Sinasabe ko na marami pang okay dyan, ganyan"
Adopting a humorous approach	The use of humor in confronting the person to stop the romantic pursuit	"Lolokohin mo minsan na hindi kita type, hindi mo rin naman ako type. Magkaibigan lang tayo."
Maintenance of platonic relationship	The belief that one is more suited to adopt the "friend" only role in his/her life than something else	"Kasi friends lang talaga tingin ko sayo"
Platonic Sibling Relationship	The belief that one is more suited to adopt the "brother/sister" role in his/her life than something else	"Tingin ko sa kanya parang sister lang"
Former-platonic friend relationship	Relationship started as a platonic friendship	"Syempre nangstart friends, tapos nung tumagal parang naging close tapos nanligaw"
Friendly Dates	Hanging out together without labeling it as a date o tainting the night out with any romantic associations	"Tapos may time na parang kasi parang napag-usapan namin na tinatanong din daw siya ng mga kapatid niya kung ano ba daw meron? Tapos ang sinasagot niya lang daw friends. Oh di sige friends. So para sa akin parang friends pero siyempre alam mo na yung mga efforts niya as in ganyan parang as in halos everyday kami lumalabas ganyan."
Indirect Confession	The one who was friend zoned indirectly/ambiguously showed his feelings towards his friend	"Ang tanga ko kasi lahat ng friends ko, literally lahat ng friends ko kahit hindi ko kaibigan"
Generalized Treatment	How the person relates and deals with other people is the same as with the one who she/he friend zoned	"tapos meron iba na kunwari sa is among friend sweet ka, tapos sweet ka pala sa lahat, dun mo narerealize na ah, generalized lang yung feeling"
Consideration of Romantic Potential	Thinking about giving the person a chance to escalate the relationship to a romantic one	First year pa lang. So parang ako naisip ko na “wow, 1st year pa lang may gusto na siya sa akin tapos 3rd year lang nag effort.” Naisip ko sa utak ko na pano kaya kung naging kami.
Following the natural course of events	When the person is unsure of the meaning his/her friends' actions so he/she just follows to see where it is headed	"Ang tricky nga nila eh, like yung isa, sabi niya “Justine, anjan yung ex ko na ka-thing.” Tapos sabi niya “cross tayo para Makita niyang meron akong bago” ganon. Eh ako naman, as a friend, nakipag cross"
Friendship rewards and privileges	The benefits received from the friends only relationship such as gifts, time, etc.	Meron pang benefits, syempre gusto ka niya. Masama pero halimbawa, “uy libre mo ako”

Based on the data gathered, individuals who put people in the “friend zone” all go through a process wherein it all starts from being friends, which eventually progresses to having the friend exhibit desires of taking the relationship to the next level and having to devise ways on how to decline the pursuit while maintaining the friendship. Along the process, some benefits are derived but the goal of maintaining the relationship is constant throughout reports of the participants.

What is the outcome?

These are the themes that emerged when the researchers attempted to discover what usually happens to the friendship after individuals put their friend in the “friend zone”.

Theme	Definition/description	Sample quote
Increased time for activities	Period where the focus is academics and friends	"More time sa friends ayun. Tsaka focus the studies"
Longevity of friendship	Kept the relationship as it is will make the friendship better	"Mas masaya lang yung after effects (of friendzone) kasi mas magiging friends kayo, mas nagiging close kayo"
Emotional Maturity	Learning how to handle situations well	"Benefits ko? Mas nag mature ako, mas alam ko na yung gagawin ko tapos mas marami akong friends!"
Happiness in the long run	Future benefit for both parties (one who is friend zoned and the one who does the friend zone)	"Siguro sa umpisa it's not gonna make you happy but in long run, it will (being friend zoned)"
Guilt feelings	Sensing that you have done something wrong to the person	"Pero syempre nakakaawa din sa part nila"
Increased self-esteem	The heightened sense of importance / value	kasi parang “hala nanreject ka, ikaw na, ang haba ng hair mo”
Less guilt	Feeling that one has done something wrong but negative feelings is compensated by reasons which makes the action "acceptable"	"Less guilty ka, kasi parang yun na yung nicest way para/kesa sabihing “Hanggang friends lang tayo kasi ang pangit mo”
Tainted Friendship	The quality of friendship has changed in a negative way	"It was never the same! (friendship). Wala, parang naging bitter na rin siguro siya"
Relational Limitations	The friendship was kept but certain boundaries were made	"May wall na eh"

Results have shown that people who put their friend in the “friend zone” usually draw their attention more on the positive outcomes compared to the negative ones. They claim that they manage to have more time for productive activities, they were able to keep the friendship despite changes in the relationship and that they were able to make the person feel better compared to outright rejection.

CONCLUSION, DISCUSSION AND RECOMMENDATION

In conclusion, the friend zone phenomenon is the attempt of the individual who does not want to take the relationship to the next level; to stop the romantic pursuit of their friend; and try to maintain the relationship as it is. This usually occurs because of several factors that are both external and internal in nature. This results in both positive and negative outcomes, wherein the positive effects seem to outweigh all the negative effects.

Female participants defined the friend zone phenomenon as an “advance refusal of a romantic pursuit and a pleasant rejection”; also it poses as a form of relationship maintenance - effort to keep a relationship according to what both parties want out of it (Guerrero & Chaves, 2005). One of the straightforward bases in looking for quality partners in a relationship is looking at observable characteristics such as physical appearance, other reasons consists of social pressures from parents and peers (La Greca & Mackey, 2004; Connolly, Furman & Konarski 2000; Baumeister, Wotman, & Stillwell, 1993). Although the relationship starts as platonic, due to familiarity, the receiving end of the friend zone tries to implicitly communicate their romantic feelings and intentions to the other person. At the same time, the giving end tries to implicitly reject the friend with the use of negative relationship maintenance (e.g. avoidance, downgrading of sexuality). Though it created guilt feelings because of the person’s reluctance in inflicting pain in the person, the giving end tries to justify their actions in order to lessen that guilt (Baumeister, Wotman, & Stillwell, 1993). This eventually results in positive and negative outcomes (e.g. increase in self-esteem, tainted friendship, occurrence of boundaries, guilt feelings). This is to maintain the friendly relationship as it is.

It is recommended that future researchers gather an equal number of male and female participants so that biased data will not be gathered. Data will also be better authenticated and validated if a process that aims to minimize the effects of social desirability bias is implemented. With this, participants shall not have the means to fabricate their data to suit their desires. Lastly, the researchers recommend that “friend zone” phenomenon be studied from the receivers end.

REFERENCES

Adjei, A. (May 29, 2012) The ‘new’ friend zone. ACIRFA Magazine. Retrieved from: http://acirfamag.com/?p=2797.

Baumeister, R.F., Wotman, S.R., & Stillwell, A.M. (1993). Unrequited love: On heartbreak, anger, guilt, scriptlessness and humiliation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64 (3), 377-394.

Bleske, A. & Buss, D. (2000). Can men and women be just friends? Personal Relationship, 7, 131-151.

Connolly, Furman, & Konarski (2000). The role of peers in the emergence of heterosexual romantic relationships in adolescents. Child Development, 71 (5), pp. 1395-1408.

Guerrero, L. & Chavez, A. (2005). Relational maintenance in cross-sex friendships characterized by different types of romantic intent: An exploratory study. Western Journal of Communication, 69 (4), pp. 339-358.

La Greca, A.M., & Mackey, E.R. (2004). Adolescents’ anxiety in dating situations: The role of other-sex friends, close friends, and romantic partners. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. 1-28.

Nicholson, J. (2011, December 16). Escape the friend zone: From friend to girlfriend or boyfriend.  Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday./blog/the-attraction-doctor.